Reflection

I saw this quote yesterday and was blown away.  I feel like I am decently patient, but what got me was "without murmuring....in the unplanned place and the unplanned pace."

Without consciously realizing it, I have been sad the past couple of months.  I haven't done well with what I see as the "unplanned place or pace."  I am an introspective person so I process everything on the inside....in my brain.  Why I am like this I don't know...guess it is how God wired me.  Sometimes I think it is because if I haven't figured it out yet, I don't want to verbalize it.
After my dad died, I was depressed.  I still got up each day worked out, went to work, socialized with friends, but I was kind of just a shell of myself.  Would I say the past couple of months have been that bad, no, but I definitely have been kind of down.  I haven't talked about it because honestly I didn't realize it was happening and I didn't have words to explain it.   Also, I haven't been able to pinpoint a reason.  I have a great job, loving family, wonderful friends, my health, Coco, etc., but regardless of rhyme or reason I have been down. 
A couple of weeks ago, it was Sunday and I was super down.  Side note...I don't particularly like Sundays.  It is usually a day people spend with their families and I don't have a family.  It tends to be the one day that it is obvious that I am still single (maybe just to me, but that is how I feel).  Ok, back to the story....  I was down and couldn't figure out why?!  A couple of days later, I was having my devotional time and at the end it referenced the scripture "Perfect love casts out all fear." 1 John 4:18.  It was like a lightbulb came on....I am not necessarily sad or depressed, but I am living in fear and that was weighing me down.
As a kid, I was scared of everything.  I was always scared something or someone was going to get me or something terrible was going to happen to me.  My mom taught me the verse in 2 Timothy 1:7, "For God hasn't given us a spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind."  She told me anytime I was afraid to say that over and over in my head.  I did that a lot as a kid and in time became fearless.  Worry and fear rarely crossed my mind.  It's funny because I think the devil knows that area of weakness for me and attacked me with fear again, but in a different way.  As opposed to be fearful of something bad happening, he made me fearful of the "what if?"  What if you never get married?  What if you never have a family?  What if this is your life forever?
Don't get me wrong, I am so thankful for the blessed life that I lead and this doesn't center totally around being single or getting married.  I promise I am not one of those crazy marriage obsessed girls who already has a Pinterest board dedicated to her wedding.  But in some ways I wonder when it will be my time.  I trust God and his timing, but am starting to get a little impatient.  I feel like I have been faithful in so many areas and it's like my blessing got lost.  I know this isn't true and that his timing will be perfect, but if I am being honest that's how I feel.
This past Sunday, Pastor Mike felt lead to pray for people with a broken heart.  Since then, it has been so much better.  I feel like joy has returned to my life.  He has given me "a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair" Isaiah 61:3.  Also, a lady I know shared about guarding your heart.  She specifically said, "if you're single, hang in there.  God has someone great for you!"
Now I can finally get to the point....  Upon reflection, I have been sad.  I have felt a little "out of place."  Like a puzzle piece that you try to get to fit and it almost does, but just not quite.  This feeling has made me fearful that I don't fit in or have a place.
Just this week, I feel like not only am I coming out of it, but that I recognize it and can admit it.  My first instinct when people ask me how I am is to say, "all is well."  Last night, I was catching up with a friend and when he asked me how I had been, I was honest and said, "you know, I have been a little sad and down, but things are getting better!"  And they are....
And yes, I have cried while writing this post...
"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13

Hope everyone has a great weekend!

XOXO-
EEE

P.S. This post was not easy for me to write, but it is my heart.